Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
