he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
