someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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