i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
honey bunches of taint.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
