totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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