im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just high enough for therapy.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
