If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
