Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
