Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
