I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
