I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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