allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
