in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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