i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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