oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
