He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
