also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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