hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
