so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
