how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
