Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
