my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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