batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
