im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
