Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
