The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
you never un-have a 4some
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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