so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
