I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
