he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Are these your boobs on my camera?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
