If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
