A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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