If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
