Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
True strength comes from lack of pants
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
