I don't usually arrange sex via text message
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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