Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
