she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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