its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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