Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
