Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize