The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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