I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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