I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
