yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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