You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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