i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
