woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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