i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize