You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
