So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
