That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
