I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
