i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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