bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
