Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
