I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So here I am, sexting at work.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
